Stress Test
By Kevin Brown
Nov 15, 2025
Nov 15, 2025
Sometime in the first few months of my first full-time job, I was recounting the various changes in my life from the past year, when Candy—not only did she go by that shortened version of Candace, but her last name was spelled something like Koehn and pronounced like “cane,” a moniker she leant into hard—said, “You should be dead by now.” She was an English teacher, as was I, and she knew how to use hyperbole. Instead, according to Thomas Holmes and Richard Rahe, two psychologists who developed a stress scale (which they called a Social Readjustment Rating Scale), I should simply have had an 80% chance of a health breakdown. While there’s not a good deal of research to support their scale, especially given how ambiguous it is, I certainly saw the correlation between the build-up of stress and my mental and physical health.
Divorce: 73 points
As far as divorces go, mine was about as easy as it could have been: nothing of value and no children. We had only been married four and a half years, and we should have gotten a divorce six months in, when I tried to leave, but I listened to our parents, who told us both we should stay. I was a young twenty-two when we got married, and I was still a young twenty-seven when we filed for divorce. I had effectively turned off my emotions for fifty months, so they all came back to life once the divorce was well under way.
As far as divorces go, mine was about as easy as it could have been: nothing of value and no children. We had only been married four and a half years, and we should have gotten a divorce six months in, when I tried to leave, but I listened to our parents, who told us both we should stay. I was a young twenty-two when we got married, and I was still a young twenty-seven when we filed for divorce. I had effectively turned off my emotions for fifty months, so they all came back to life once the divorce was well under way.
Marital Reconciliation with Mate: 45 points
I began dating a young woman I had dated in high school. We were only together a few months, but she moved from Tennessee to Indiana to be close to me, as we both said we were serious about the relationship this time. Not only was I still too immature to legitimately try to make such a relationship work, all those emotions I had bottled up during the marriage came out. Thankfully, I was mature enough never to lash out at her, but I once drove down a road by myself hitting the passenger seat as hard as I could. I wasn’t angry about anything in particular; I just had all these feelings I didn’t know what to do with, and punching that seat felt like the most appropriate release.
I began dating a young woman I had dated in high school. We were only together a few months, but she moved from Tennessee to Indiana to be close to me, as we both said we were serious about the relationship this time. Not only was I still too immature to legitimately try to make such a relationship work, all those emotions I had bottled up during the marriage came out. Thankfully, I was mature enough never to lash out at her, but I once drove down a road by myself hitting the passenger seat as hard as I could. I wasn’t angry about anything in particular; I just had all these feelings I didn’t know what to do with, and punching that seat felt like the most appropriate release.
Change in Financial State: 38 points
I moved to Indiana to begin my job as a high school English teacher at a military boarding school. I wouldn’t receive my first paycheck until August, but I needed to survive that summer. I lived off my credit cards, using cash advances for rent. Given that I was traveling between Mississippi, where I had been living, and Tennessee, where my girlfriend was, and Indiana, I spent a good deal of money on gas and food. I also paid for dates we went out on. I bought a new computer, a lawn mower, and a variety of smaller furniture items, such as bookshelves and desks. I also bought larger furniture items—a bed, dining room table and chairs, couch and matching chair—on credit, six months same as cash. I ended up with roughly twenty thousand dollars of credit card debt from that one summer. And I had student loan debt, as well.
I moved to Indiana to begin my job as a high school English teacher at a military boarding school. I wouldn’t receive my first paycheck until August, but I needed to survive that summer. I lived off my credit cards, using cash advances for rent. Given that I was traveling between Mississippi, where I had been living, and Tennessee, where my girlfriend was, and Indiana, I spent a good deal of money on gas and food. I also paid for dates we went out on. I bought a new computer, a lawn mower, and a variety of smaller furniture items, such as bookshelves and desks. I also bought larger furniture items—a bed, dining room table and chairs, couch and matching chair—on credit, six months same as cash. I ended up with roughly twenty thousand dollars of credit card debt from that one summer. And I had student loan debt, as well.
Change to Different Line of Work: 36 points
The new job was much better than I knew at the time, but I didn’t understand that until I worked at several other schools. All I could see was how much work being a teacher was. I started the year strong, as I would research the books I was teaching, so I came into those classes much more prepared. As the year went along, I realized I could just do the assigned reading, then walk in and vaguely guide discussion for fifty minutes without much effort. I complained about how much grading I had to do, not knowing that my sixty-two students were an easy load compared to what most high school teachers deal with. When I told my department chair I wouldn’t be coming back, that I was going back to graduate school to become a librarian, explaining that I would have the benefit of working with students without the grading load, even she said that that sounded nice. I returned to full-time teaching a few years later.
The new job was much better than I knew at the time, but I didn’t understand that until I worked at several other schools. All I could see was how much work being a teacher was. I started the year strong, as I would research the books I was teaching, so I came into those classes much more prepared. As the year went along, I realized I could just do the assigned reading, then walk in and vaguely guide discussion for fifty minutes without much effort. I complained about how much grading I had to do, not knowing that my sixty-two students were an easy load compared to what most high school teachers deal with. When I told my department chair I wouldn’t be coming back, that I was going back to graduate school to become a librarian, explaining that I would have the benefit of working with students without the grading load, even she said that that sounded nice. I returned to full-time teaching a few years later.
Beginning or End of School: 26 points
I had been living in Mississippi because I had just finished my doctorate in English. I began the program believing I wanted to be a college professor, but the longer I was there, the less interested I was in that approach. I attended graduate school in the heyday of literary theory, and I had no interest in reading literature that way. My three years in Oxford were fairly miserable, largely due to choices I made. I didn’t like the program—though I’m not sure I would have liked any at the time—and my marriage was clearly falling apart. I had also gained a good deal of weight, and I only really had one friend. I was not only happy to leave, I was eager to try something new in life.
I had been living in Mississippi because I had just finished my doctorate in English. I began the program believing I wanted to be a college professor, but the longer I was there, the less interested I was in that approach. I attended graduate school in the heyday of literary theory, and I had no interest in reading literature that way. My three years in Oxford were fairly miserable, largely due to choices I made. I didn’t like the program—though I’m not sure I would have liked any at the time—and my marriage was clearly falling apart. I had also gained a good deal of weight, and I only really had one friend. I was not only happy to leave, I was eager to try something new in life.
Change in Living Conditions: 25 points
My ex-wife and I had been living in a two-bedroom townhouse, fairly typical for a graduate student. When I moved to Indiana, the school owned houses just off-campus, and I ended up in a two-bedroom house that only cost $230. Granted, it was the mid-1990s, but that was still cheap then. What was most significant, though, was that I was now in charge of everything about the house, something I didn’t enjoy then, and I still don’t. At least the school’s facilities crew would do any major work the house needed. It didn’t have air conditioning, given that I lived in northern Indiana; however, the month I moved in, the temperatures hit a hundred degrees. My parents still had an old window unit air conditioner, so I drove to Tennessee to get it. It was so heavy I could barely carry it up the stairs, hitting my head on a low overhang as I did. It made the house bearable.
My ex-wife and I had been living in a two-bedroom townhouse, fairly typical for a graduate student. When I moved to Indiana, the school owned houses just off-campus, and I ended up in a two-bedroom house that only cost $230. Granted, it was the mid-1990s, but that was still cheap then. What was most significant, though, was that I was now in charge of everything about the house, something I didn’t enjoy then, and I still don’t. At least the school’s facilities crew would do any major work the house needed. It didn’t have air conditioning, given that I lived in northern Indiana; however, the month I moved in, the temperatures hit a hundred degrees. My parents still had an old window unit air conditioner, so I drove to Tennessee to get it. It was so heavy I could barely carry it up the stairs, hitting my head on a low overhang as I did. It made the house bearable.
Revision of Personal Habits: 24 points
When I was in graduate school in Mississippi, my classes were always in the afternoon. I taught night classes at two different colleges to help pay the bills—on top of the assistantship I had working in the library. I didn’t get up until close to noon, or even after, depending on the day, as I often stayed up until two or three in the morning. One advantage of such a schedule was that my wife and I seldom saw each other, as she worked a typical nine-to-five job as a bookkeeper. When I moved to Indiana, I had to be at work before eight, even though I sometimes had work at night, such as evening library supervision or basketball practice or games (I was an assistant coach for the girls’ basketball team). While I still stayed up late and slept in on the weekends, Mondays through Fridays were tough. I began skipping morning faculty meetings whenever I could. My department chair only caught me once, and she was nice about it. She could see that part of the transition wasn’t working well.
When I was in graduate school in Mississippi, my classes were always in the afternoon. I taught night classes at two different colleges to help pay the bills—on top of the assistantship I had working in the library. I didn’t get up until close to noon, or even after, depending on the day, as I often stayed up until two or three in the morning. One advantage of such a schedule was that my wife and I seldom saw each other, as she worked a typical nine-to-five job as a bookkeeper. When I moved to Indiana, I had to be at work before eight, even though I sometimes had work at night, such as evening library supervision or basketball practice or games (I was an assistant coach for the girls’ basketball team). While I still stayed up late and slept in on the weekends, Mondays through Fridays were tough. I began skipping morning faculty meetings whenever I could. My department chair only caught me once, and she was nice about it. She could see that part of the transition wasn’t working well.
Change in Residence: 20 points
I grew up in Tennessee, only leaving Johnson City when I turned twenty-four and moved to Mississippi. Thus, moving to Indiana was my first time living outside the South, and, really, going anywhere that far North. I had been to Cincinnati for a few days when I was teenager, but we spent the time at amusement parks, not actually interacting with people. My girlfriend in Tennessee didn’t understand how I could move, commenting once when we had gone hiking at Roan Mountain, “How can you leave all of this?” I replied, “Easily.” I was right. The flatness of Indiana appealed to me in the same way the lack of topography in Mississippi did. Even though I’ve now lived almost all of my life in Tennessee—first around Chattanooga, now in Nashville—I still long to live somewhere flat and Midwestern. Iowa sounds like a dream.
I grew up in Tennessee, only leaving Johnson City when I turned twenty-four and moved to Mississippi. Thus, moving to Indiana was my first time living outside the South, and, really, going anywhere that far North. I had been to Cincinnati for a few days when I was teenager, but we spent the time at amusement parks, not actually interacting with people. My girlfriend in Tennessee didn’t understand how I could move, commenting once when we had gone hiking at Roan Mountain, “How can you leave all of this?” I replied, “Easily.” I was right. The flatness of Indiana appealed to me in the same way the lack of topography in Mississippi did. Even though I’ve now lived almost all of my life in Tennessee—first around Chattanooga, now in Nashville—I still long to live somewhere flat and Midwestern. Iowa sounds like a dream.
Change in Church Activities: 19 points
Just before we moved to Mississippi, I left the church after having attended one Christian denomination or another for my entire life. I had a stereotypical crisis of faith that came about from my learning more about the world and myself. I also probably walked away because my doing so bothered my then-wife. When I moved to Indiana, I was trying to find my way back to some sort of faith, so I began attending the protestant service the school provided for the students. It was the easiest way for me to take that first step, as nobody demanded anything of me. I could simply show up for an hour on a Sunday morning, then go back home. I don’t know that I would have gone back to any kind of faith that year without the ease of that service. Sometimes, a lack of responsibility makes transitions easier.
Just before we moved to Mississippi, I left the church after having attended one Christian denomination or another for my entire life. I had a stereotypical crisis of faith that came about from my learning more about the world and myself. I also probably walked away because my doing so bothered my then-wife. When I moved to Indiana, I was trying to find my way back to some sort of faith, so I began attending the protestant service the school provided for the students. It was the easiest way for me to take that first step, as nobody demanded anything of me. I could simply show up for an hour on a Sunday morning, then go back home. I don’t know that I would have gone back to any kind of faith that year without the ease of that service. Sometimes, a lack of responsibility makes transitions easier.
Change in Social Activities: 18 points
Life at a boarding school provided me with a much livelier social life than I had when I was in Mississippi, where I either went out to dinner with my then-wife, a practice that decreased as our marriage dissolved, or went to my one friend’s house to watch movies with him and his wife, which also tapered off. In Indiana, though, I played basketball with a group every Sunday night, and I went out to eat with a friend in the English department. The interns—a group of recent college graduates who were exploring a career in the private school world—threw regular parties at the house where the women all lived. I would have gone regardless, but I was also trying to date one of those interns. Given my emotional state, I didn’t take advantage of all of the options I had—I didn’t go to the cafeteria and eat lunch with everybody, for example—but I had enough to help me build a community there. Perhaps Candy was right, and I should have been dead. Perhaps Holmes and Rahe’s 80% figure was spot on. I, however, had enough good in my life to survive that year and beyond. My only regret is that I didn’t see how good it was until much later, which is, unfortunately, often the case.
Life at a boarding school provided me with a much livelier social life than I had when I was in Mississippi, where I either went out to dinner with my then-wife, a practice that decreased as our marriage dissolved, or went to my one friend’s house to watch movies with him and his wife, which also tapered off. In Indiana, though, I played basketball with a group every Sunday night, and I went out to eat with a friend in the English department. The interns—a group of recent college graduates who were exploring a career in the private school world—threw regular parties at the house where the women all lived. I would have gone regardless, but I was also trying to date one of those interns. Given my emotional state, I didn’t take advantage of all of the options I had—I didn’t go to the cafeteria and eat lunch with everybody, for example—but I had enough to help me build a community there. Perhaps Candy was right, and I should have been dead. Perhaps Holmes and Rahe’s 80% figure was spot on. I, however, had enough good in my life to survive that year and beyond. My only regret is that I didn’t see how good it was until much later, which is, unfortunately, often the case.
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Kevin Brown (he/him) teaches high school English in Nashville. He has published three books of poetry: Liturgical Calendar: Poems (Wipf and Stock); A Lexicon of Lost Words (winner of the Violet Reed Haas Prize for Poetry, Snake Nation Press); and Exit Lines (Plain View Press). He also has a memoir, Another Way: Finding Faith, Then Finding It Again, and a book of scholarship, They Love to Tell the Stories: Five Contemporary Novelists Take on the Gospels.
You can find out more about him and his work on social media sites at @kevinbrownwrites or at kevinbrownwrites.weebly.com. |
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Author’s Note:
I tried writing a version of “Stress Test” years ago. I even used the same format, as I remembered that test as soon as Candy made her comment. However, I didn’t remember all of the details, nor did I know where it originated. Oddly enough, it’s fallen out of favor these days, so I had trouble finding a reliable version of it online. I would have thought somebody would have made a form one could fill out to determine their stress level and the chances of a health breakdown. That sounds like an enjoyable way to pass the time. The reason the earlier essay failed (I think) was that it was about 2-3 times as long as this one. I felt the need to go into detail about every aspect of that year when it was really the exponential effect of all of these changes that really affected me and kept me from appreciating the year there.