What I Wish You Knew
By Eileen Nittler
November 15, 2024
November 15, 2024
I love you. I have told that millions of times over the years and I think you know it. And I know you love me too. We didn’t say those things so much when I was growing up. The Silent Generation indeed.
There were a lot of things that were unsaid. Conflict was not allowed. Anger and sadness were discouraged. It took years for me to learn healthy communication, to learn that all emotions are ok, and that all topics of conversation must occasionally be had with a trusting partner.
I wish I had known that earlier. I wish I had known decades ago how to explain how I felt and what I thought. I wish I had known how to grow into my own being in a way that you respected.
Sometimes I worry that you think I moved far away to get away with you. It’s true. Not because I didn’t love you with all my heart, but because I needed to have some distance to grow into my own woman. Still, that distance was great and it grew.
I wish I had let you be more involved with my kids. I felt insecure as a mother. I felt judged and I didn’t want that. You weren’t judging me. I can see that now. I regret keeping you at arms’ length.
We told only good stories and kept things light and breezy. I’d like you to know so much about my struggles. I’d like to hear about yours.
And here’s the thing. I could tell you all this. I could tell you when I visit you next month. We could sit together and chat about anything in the world. I could hold your hand, weak and wrinkled, but warm and full of love, and I could let you know my thoughts. But I won’t.
I will keep quiet, in line with the family tradition. I will whisper these words to you when you can no longer hear them.
And I will always wish that you knew.
|
Eileen Nittler is supposed to live in Montana, but it’s cold there, so she’s traveling in South America right now. She has been previously published in MUTHA, Heartwood Literary Review, redrosethorn and The Write Launch.
|
|
Author’s Note:
“What I Wish You Knew” demonstrates that the patterns we learn are so very difficult, even when we know better, even when we yearn for better.